Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Monday, June 29, 2015

Cleansing

i have no other explanation.

shit happens in relationships. the devout wife still gets abused, emotionally and psychologically. the young committed wife gets stabbed in the back with lies. the single woman left no choice but to read a book rather than go out with haplessly immature self-centered men.

just refuse to wallow in shit.

Monday, June 22, 2015

The Key of X

i should care but the need is no longer there. perhaps because there is no sympathy left to give. or i just chose the still choice of indifference. i do not have to respond. i just have to punch the key of X and exit from someone's life by simply willing it. and so i did. two in a row. i am a different person, now.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Into the Drive

oh my God, yesterday...
my mind was afloat with condos
and now cars
cars and cars
flipped out the choice of moving out
so i'm driving in
driving in and learning how to
better this than the
skill of packing

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Kindness and the Thesis

i gave a lot to this thesis from 2009 to 2013. disciplined myself to write every day, read every day, structure, think through, discuss. i wonder why, given all these efforts, still, i am doing the thesis, still at chapter 5 in 2015.

when out on one jeepney ride in naga, with the wind blowing over my face, it hit me.

you are kinder now. you need kindness to write and finish this thesis.

in 2012, when i can still write full time, i was very angry. while uncovering the half-truths and the dirty politics, i wanted to lambast, shed out the clean image of the city to show a rotting core. and in my writing, jane saw that i was too judgmental, purist, and unbending sense that what is right must be straight and true, through and through.

but now, with what i witnessed with my work in the mountains, i came to respect and appreciate that what the mayor did in Naga was no easy feat. he had to weave through its politics and it must have been heart-rending exposing one's heart to the poor and commanding policy and programs to give meaning to words given them.

it was not easy and it has been done. it may not be right against standards, but a way has been made to track out new and better paths - for others.

that Wise One Up There pushed me back to get a new perspective. find gentleness as i take apart the data. give it new eyes, some fresh understanding, more kindness now.

so now i deal with chapter 5. i deal with the muck and how what it is portrayed to be, is actually really not. but then, that is not a bad thing, at all. it was the best contrived given the circumstances. and while the mayor might say, he could have done better in some ways, i think, he has done enough of what he could and what a difference this has made.

Friday, June 19, 2015

The Main Course

He looks like someone I know. But with chiseled features yet burdenedly sad eyes. A mole right at the tip of his nose adding to his beauty. I will kiss this first before anything else. Only with my eyes closed. His eyes ever closed.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

On Hindsight

Glad to have a lot of it to give and wait for
Glad to have been spared from insecure tenure
Glad for rest and the freedom to create anew
Glad that goodness, kindness and grace are flowing
Glad that the real desires deep down are finding its way up
Thank you thank you thank you

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Still Heaven

'Perhaps in the future'.

and so Lola Eva wrote.

there are some things meant for you, but on a better and readier time.

what i attempted for the past month gave me perspective.

and taught me how to prepare for that better and readier time.

so i let go of the burden.

Heaven is still Heaven, anyway.

I love you Heaven.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Breakthrough

i wanted to sleep on. sleep is just sooooooooooo good.

my mind was busy arguing --- should sleep more after staying up late packing, should sleep more and just do the thesis during the weekends, should sleep more because it's good for your health. and then came the ultimate counter-argument: WHAT IF TODAY YOU BREAK THROUGH? what if, you wake up, hard as it is and end up happy because YOU HAD A BREAKTHROUGH?

so at 406m, the body got out from bed, did the morning rituals and worked on the hardy Acer from 449 to 545am today.

and i did have a BREAKTHROUGH.

integrated 3 long chapters into one. from about 36000 words, the hybrid Chapter 5 is now 12000+, ready for editing. oh, this feels really good.

I'll push for Breakthroughs every day, from now on.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Nothingness and Happiness

bihon na may sardinas for dinner
supposedly doing the thesis
but elected for nothing
nothing to do
there is much to thing about
but here i am
lazing in the sofa with the daughter
electing to do nothing
nothing and happy
nothing and happiness

Sunday, June 7, 2015

My Lavender



living alone can indeed be lonesome. particularly coming after a week of having the daughter and the mother here.

but living alone also has its perks. silence can be very gold going home, after a long day at the 10F, where women power means loud voices, loud laughter, and the endless chatter of women.  Silence is gold greeted by a home wafting with the smell of lavander, or just the splashing of the waters down by the pool, or some child's giggle, occasional shout, or just that, the sweet carefree voices of children.

here on a sunday, amid the humidity, my fingers who pit and pat, tick and tock, without the bother of tv and just me, looking at three corners - the kitchen, the bed, and my nook of a living room which, in all, hopefully, would soon be under my name.

i welcome the silence. i welcome being alone and enduring the test of uncertainties and fears. this is really my skin. my lavender.

Photo courtesy of www.google.com