Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Friday, October 31, 2014

Cry for Help

it was the neglect. the feeling of not being trusted. work trivialized, and even demeaned.

the trusted one on top also had their moments. also clammed up. decided not to get involved. perhaps undergoing a similar catharsis, the disbelief, the loss of purpose. the feeling of losing one's purpose within the team, the lost purpose of leading, being a part of it.

and to be strong gets one to an even lonelier road. when in even articulating cries for help, one meets deadening silence. so it's not true after all. there is no one out there who really cares. really wonders how you are, just for your sake. no one. and best friends cannot be depended at this point. they think it's just work. they think you've been through similar travails, and you'll get through. assumptions, analogies, and silences. you do not get any attention, no consolation of a text, a phone call, nothing.

no wonder suicides come at a surprise to close friends, love ones. they do not get the cue. they all rely on physical markers. there is no attempt to understand the longing behind the sentences. they want more proof beyond the literal cries for help - as in help me, i need you, can you please be my friend now?

the back hurts, the neck hurts, the heart hurts.

who will listen? who will call? who will care?

Monday, October 27, 2014


tired. right arm in pain, ngalay. back in pain, need massage. need to run, but still with mens.

the only consolation yesterday was the swim here at FW. although pool water felt sticky, dirty at the edges. still, the water felt light, comforting. what did Sir Mar, veteran swimmer and diving instructor, say about swimming? "Just glide with the water. Don't fight it.'

today and in less than 2 hours, no choice but to work. a lot to think about. the targets, the reports, the future, the plans, and these deeper dreams.

go on Lightworker, you Woman of Pentacles. trust, repair and build for the better.

it's just an impossible road. but You are getting There

Saturday, October 25, 2014


Shall i forego having a Bestfriend-Lover?

What you should let go of Vitti is the expectation, that you will fnd him, discover that he's the one you've been missing all your life, and the one who'll stay --- in one go. Trust thar similar to your female bestfriends, you will get to know what you are to each other in the worst and most awkward of circumstances. Both of you will quarrel, debate, trade barbs, endure heavy silences, but in each instance, with a growing respect for each other. There is no one go in anything serious  Keep calm. He is manifesting inspite of himself.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Adik sa Alimit

Kapagalan na dai mababayadan
Sakripisyo na bakong oras ang bilang
Mga kulog buot na tadum sa hawak
Para saimo Alimit
Mabuo, magdanay ka lamang

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


Ay sulit
Sa pagal, tiyaga, pag~intindi
Dai man nakua ang gusto
Nagrarum man pagrukyaw
Sa tao, sitwasyon

Monday, October 20, 2014

By the Window

I don't like window seats. They keep me hemmed in, feeling cornered whether beside is a man or woman. But tonight, I just like to sit by the window and look at the vast unknowable dark beyond. As I think about the Daughter crying over goodbyes back home, and The Man who won't take goodbyes this easy.

I Can't Be this Afraid, but I Am

this blog has always been my refuge.  when i couldn't funnel my frustrations, this post helped me cry, once more. this blog is my escape. with this post, it helped me dream, believe, even for a vision not complete. this blog is a witness of transitions as in this post, i welcome another belief, a final reality.

for now, i hang in the balance of how The Man responds, what he refuses not to do, what he will settle for.  we may start all over again, and rewrite the premise. or we get to pause...and ignore the ending this way.

he is very strong, very real, and very frightful to acknowledge one's feelings for.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Calm before the Kill

in playing tennis, there is a moment before hitting the ball that everything stops. breathing halts, the eye concentrates, and even footwork comes to a standstill. before hitting the ball. the coup de grace. the stillness before the kill. and one gets to a certain calm, a fullness in intent. this is what Coach Rollie emphasizes as the perfect stance, the perfect state before hitting a tennis ball. and i wonder, in what ways does tennis mirror life in such proportion? the calm before the crushing blow, before the final embrace, before the last goodbye.

Thursday, October 16, 2014


The rule is this - for any complaint, there should be a suggested solution. Complain as cool as possible and calibrate depending on need and the situation. Anger has a reason. We can shout as much, scream. If you can hold your breath longer, do so. But do not hesitate to show your fangs.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014


The sound of rain
Men's voices
An intersection
Bald men