Influences (or Why I Write the Way I Do)

Natalie Goldberg (free-flowing writing)
Clarissa Pinkola Estes (wild woman writing)
Jane Hutchison (direct-to-the-point writing)
Ernest Hemingway (simple words writing)

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Preparations...Thesis It!

no sweater, no chapter 3. four days in baguio and not prepared to thesis.

perhaps it's being out of rhythm, after going home, finally, after 8 weeks. still out of sync because of norway. still homing in, with the relieving but scary thought, that the Man is here to stay. he may have his moments, his hiccups, but he's not budging.

so...

it does not only take discipline to finish a thesis, a chapter. this time, chapter 3.

it takes advanced preparation. a chapter 3 in the bag, should be the priority.

just like this sweater, that should have been perfect for sleeping, for exercise. amid this cold weather.

ahhh...but why fret vitti? you have another jacket.

and in this laptop, there is one other thing you can do for the thesis, other than chapter 3.

READ, READ, READ. THESIS IT.

PREPARE STILL.

DISCIPLINE + PREPARATIONS = THESIS

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Why This Should Happen

We don't have to ' be with' each other all the time
We have to respect each other's silences
When Gibran says, 'Let the heavens dance between you.'
It means taking private space with the Universe
That's why, I don't fret, rarely nag, hardly question
So it's no big deal to retain sweet time, for me
In togetherness, there is no stealing you as well
You will understand, now by the hard way
But you will get it, appreciate THIS is how US works, in time

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Sundo

ubos na fries
iphone pa low bat na
wala ka pa
nabilang na
naka step-in, crocs
at flip-flops
wala pa rin
babaeng naka belo
nakadamit ng di pantay ang laylayan
C5 pa rin
pilipinang kasama'y hapon
anak na naka puting boots
anak na maitim at afro
gas paubos sa haba ng trapik
gaano kalayo
ang las pinas sa airport
pumila na sa burger king
wala pa rin ang luntiang sasakyan
ang paghihintay
ng naghihintay
walang sawang hintay
sa darating na't
aabot pa

Friday, September 12, 2014

Into Me

we did our thing. dazed, heady and relieved. then we talked a bit. both our eyes closed. and in a way, i wished he was really with me, beside me, breathing the same air, flesh to flesh, my fair against his dark skin. and when we said goodbye, for the night, i almost quivered with a cry. a sadness hard to acknowledge and accept. he's getting into me already. he's becoming a part of me.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

My Man

Why don't you call him 'boyfriend' or 'partner'?, Hannie asked.

My Man. It's how I refer to him in this close knit band of friends here in Norway.

My man whose presence lingers but never imposes.
Respects my time but knows when it's time to pry and insist.
Keeps his pride intact, always.
Values my significance and in him, I find my kindness.

My Man. I have a Man.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I See

with my work
i don't get to blog every day
i see the daughter only twice a month
the thesis gets only 12 hours at most a week
i get bashed in social media from people I least expect to
receive development requests hard to fulfill
my orders and explanations get misinterpreted
but i rarely gripe like this
only when it gets to the bone
things happen for a reason
for one
i get to see what development work is
i get to see who the real development worker is
and the share of disappointments and hurt do trickle
but will come and go
and i go on, proceed
missing this blog
missing the daughter
missing the thesis
in the end, efforts will prevail like blinding light
and people will get to see
you will all see


Monday, August 25, 2014

Two People Commit

And So...

Friday, August 22, 2014

Your Place

Once you
Know your place
Remember
It is a lonely
Lonesome place
You will
Learn to look away
Be deaf at will
And wait
Without wanting
Time to just
Be time
Your space to
Just be yours

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Unfolding

the social experiment continues.

i don't know what to feel. not that i ignore it. there's actually no distinct feeling. it is hard to describe what one cannot pinpoint.

what is confirmed is that feelings have never been black and white. that in its hues, one can choose to just get lost, and let go.

i need him, and i like him. an open persona shouting, 'this is what you get. but what i have is real.'

he admits to be at the twilight of his life. making up for lost time. speeding up unless his smoking, the habits that could not be reversed, slows him down. he admits, the wife and his family has been his first thought, after getting this recent job breakthrough. he admits, that he loves me, does not want to let me go but understands the one-way street he is getting into.

and i admit, i laugh at his foibles and misfits. i admit, dismissing the declarations of love because the heart has grown more cynical than believing.  and i admit, this heart is being opened to another experience with sadness again.  because the future is quite easy to foretell. that what we are getting into right now, runs the risk of being just another episode. but if the fates be kind, still, an outcast relationship that only he and i can comprehend.  a relationship that is always quite but not, almost real but hidden, almost complete but always wanting. perhaps, we should not want anymore, not think, and just let things be. just as he suggested, 'let's just be spontaneous.'

how does the line go, 'the wrong station may lead you to the right station...'   as my relationships with men have come and gone, from the oppressive to the promising, for me, the concept of the ideal type, the ideal relationship, the ideal man is just an illusion. it is not mine to deserve. as men do not come in neat little packages, so does love and the relationships springing from it, are not necessarily predictable or desirable at first glance.

so i wake up every day to the faith that the present just has to be lived. and that every ounce of kindness, attention, that tug in my heart whenever he reaches out, shares how his day and nights have been, asks, takes and gives advice, flirts, tempts...is an unfolding of a love that could not be judged out of a man and his past. it is a love encouraged and acknowledged as coming out of a man, no longer missing this chance of a future with someone to trust. in time, i may learn to love, despite the possibilities of loss and resignation. in time, perhaps our love will be strong, unusually strong because it is not tied to false hopes. in time, perhaps, he, will leave the deeper, fuller, and indelible imprint. the bestfriend-lover who will tide me through this lifetime.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Love in Airports, Again

A woman here at Bangkok Airport just refuses to let her man go. Even by sight. However you call it, love between two people, of different race or life status maybe, is an unbreakable bond. It is just so good to be in love.