on vacation, you know you love your thesis when...
...the alarm clock is again set at 4am monday to friday
...you keep squeezing in thesis time during the day even for just 30 minutes
...you keep notes, written or electronic, on how to improve structure
...you strategize how to save your Endnote Library in that computer
...you talk to the daughter, watch TV and will work till Christmas and New Year's Eve with the thesis
...you write this blog so you won't forget commitment
the driver, gray-bearded, the wife beside on the front row
what is on Yaman's mind when her father's name is spoken
why fitting in has to be a voluntary organic act
that getting enough of Naga can never be
what is it about men that takes away every living breath
playing the violin is 2015's goal
and that enduring and overcoming loneliness is pure strength
so many stories on a blog
so many stories to be written
many things i do that i cannot sustain. like make-up. wearing red lipstick. trying to wear feminine colors. being feminine. i wear my face plain. i hate too much red as red as salesladies or receptionists wear on their lips. i am mannish, happy with jeans and shirts. i like white but also blue. i steer away from black but i like those with v-necks, open and even sultry necklines. but i still like shoes. although i should steer away from red, my unlucky color, wearing it on my feet is like stepping on it, overwhelming the bad luck. so despite the changes, the desire to 'up' with society's standards, i return to the basics. and there i get to know me. i get to stop the chuwariwap, and focus on the essentials.
Vitti, you have to work better than this. you have to keep schedule. sleep early, to wake up early at 4am. avoid sleeping late, so your PhD hours won't suffer. you are getting there. but you will only get there when you stick to structure. structure that says, work for 2 hours every morning from monday to friday. if you need to travel early, recover PhD work on a saturday or a sunday. you just need to maintain this pace. use Time as a resource, wisely.
how to make sense of someone whose truth hurts?
someone who refuses to go away
who has no plans of leaving
who keeps on pushing, trying, needing
whose presence just stays
prying, patient, persistent
perhaps someday the need will disappear
someday he will return to memory
but now, he's just here, still here
i'm tired of reasons
as you wish, stay.
i am about to blog about my thesis, until under Stats, i saw and clicked this blog from 2010. apparently, someone read it this week.
he must have really loved me. i felt it, reading this blog. a blog about food, and our first date. he must have really loved me.
but did i? as much? every time, memory harks about his man that i have long buried, this cliche always comes about, 'it is for the best'. the time with him was a test. and in that test, i realized it is difficult and unfair to commit to someone whom one cannot give the best to. when one's best is no longer that best. i just don't have it anymore. that was one painful, but true realization. and as i've told him, right on our first encounter over skype, you deserve more. you deserve better. and he got it now. there's no need to interfere.
so why did we ever came to be? bakit pa nagkita kung naghiwalay din lang? for me, it was the test of fate. Fate. to each other, we are both remnants of the past, of a young promising relationship in our teens. we met again, in our 40s, to really end the questioning - can we ever be? and if we did, will we be happy? what happened to us in 2012 is the answer to this nagging question. we can never be, we can be happy elsewhere, we can be happier with different people. so no more nagging questions, no more looking back, with regret.
and in this blog, the blogs about him stays. as a testament that we existed. we loved, we failed, and that's it. just like how real honest relationships go. there's nothing wrong with that. just as i can go over our blogs - feel missing, feel sad, feel ecstatic, laugh, wax romantic, and sigh.
in less than 2 hours, begging the call of the internet to search for laptop options, labored how chapter 4 will be structured, and restructured. the chapter is written but it needs to be more cohesive (talking like Jane). so one starts with defining, in fine print, what questions should the chapter answer. the questions have to be articulated well, with opening of adjustments as one goes with the editing. it takes a lot of labor, and discipline to get back on track again, after a week-long hiatus. but this is how the road goes Vitti. like your work, you face uphill walks every now and then. sometimes, the climb is even longer, harsher. but you have to keep on going. you just have to. so deal with the first question tomorrow, then the next, and the next, until you find a cohesive chapter.
strange how perspectives change in less than a year
no more nagging loss
no more asking why i'm here
a lot has been done and more will come
i am able to hold worry at bay
and survived the scare of burnout
my thoughts are on new things to do next year
beyond tennis, Norway, tithing, and Bo Sanchez
and how to better institutionalize, carry the team forward
while hearing the 'humming' of the dam
this giant creature of earth, steel and riverflow
if i am able to sleep on the bosom of this colossus
then i can tame it like any other fear or new beginning